Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
