I Thought That I Identified As a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Discover the Reality

In 2011, a couple of years before the celebrated David Bowie exhibition launched at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I came out as a lesbian. Up to that point, I had exclusively dated men, including one I had married. By 2013, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced parent to four children, residing in the US.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and attraction preferences, looking to find understanding.

I entered the world in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I were without Reddit or video sharing sites to reference when we had questions about sex; instead, we turned toward celebrity musicians, and in that decade, musicians were playing with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore boys' clothes, The Culture Club frontman wore feminine outfits, and musical acts such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured artists who were proudly homosexual.

I desired his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his angular jaw and male chest. I wanted to embody the Berlin-era Bowie

Throughout the 90s, I passed my days operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I reverted back to conventional female presentation when I decided to wed. My partner moved our family to the America in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an irresistible pull back towards the masculinity I had previously abandoned.

Given that no one played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a seasonal visit visiting Britain at the V&A, hoping that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I lacked clarity precisely what I was searching for when I entered the display - maybe I thought that by submerging my consciousness in the richness of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, stumble across a clue to my personal self.

I soon found myself positioned before a modest display where the visual presentation for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the primary position, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while to the side three accompanying performers in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies weren't sashaying around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; conversely they looked disinterested and irritated. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a fleeting feeling of connection for the supporting artists, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They seemed to experience as ill-at-ease as I did in female clothing - frustrated and eager, as if they were hoping for it all to conclude. At the moment when I recognized my alignment with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to rip it all off and transform like Bowie. I craved his narrow hips and his precise cut, his strong features and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, Berlin-era Bowie. However I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as queer was a different challenge, but gender transition was a considerably more daunting prospect.

I required several more years before I was willing. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and discarded all my skirts and dresses, shortened my locks and started wearing men's clothes.

I altered how I sat, walked differently, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a engagement in New York City, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Positioned before the identical footage in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been in costume throughout his existence. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, moving in the illumination, and then I comprehended that I was able to.

I booked myself in to see a doctor soon after. It took further time before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I feared came true.

I still have many of my traditional womanly traits, so people often mistake me for a queer man, but I accept this. I wanted the freedom to explore expression as Bowie had - and now that I'm at peace with myself, I can.