Those Words given by A Parent That Rescued Me as a New Dad

"I believe I was just just surviving for the first year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

Yet the truth soon became "very different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You need assistance. What can I do to assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now better used to talking about the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles dads go through.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a wider inability to communicate between men, who often hold onto damaging ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a show of failure to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a pause - going on a few days away, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "poor actions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are through this experience."